4 ways to have flirty fun

Recently, I feel like I took some good small risks in the flirting department. I had a dinner party and invited a mysterious guest — a person I've only met recently, although we had something of an instant connection. Another risk: giving him a spontaneous hug at a certain point in the evening ... and not pulling away a few times when our knees touched during the meal.

Here are my guidelines for how anyone — even the shy — can take more flirtatious risks:

1. Build up to bigger risks.

A series of small risks that slowly lead somewhere may be more productive — and less potentially emotionally debilitating — than taking one HUGE risk. For instance, the two small risks I took — inviting this man to my dinner party, and giving him that little hug — helped us feel each other out without either of us being pushed too far out of our comfort zone.

Had I taken a bigger risk — like drinking too much at his party to get myself psyched up for hanging around longer, for instance — that might have backfired. As it is, I feel like I've gotten to know an interesting person a little bit better, and I'm content with that.

2. Two drinks or less.

I tend to really regret impulsive decisions I've made when wasted, but not impulsive decisions I've made after a glass or two of wine. A little booze can help loosen us up and relax enough to trust our instincts, but having too much in order to help yourself do something you're nervous about doing is never a great plan.

3. Pick the right person to flirt with.

Taking risks with a considerate person is infinitely preferable to taking them with a jerk. How to tell if a person is considerate? I know; it's not easy. But your gut will probably give you a good indication. Also, if he treated you with respect and courtesy when you met, and if he responds to your e-mails, texts, etc., in a timely way, those are good signs.

I find that the only risks that are painful for me are the ones in which a person just ignores a gesture I've made; as long as someone responds and explains — as a considerate person is likely to — it doesn't hurt so much, even if he doesn't do what I was hoping he would.

4. Be affectionate in person, not electronically.

Use technological means of communication for making invitations and setting up dates; wait until you're in person to express affection. When you tell someone you think he's sexy or fascinating by e-mail or text, it can seem like a bigger deal than it would if you simply said — off-handedly and spontaneously, in person: "Wow, man, how cool are you?" Or, "Dude, you look hot in those jeans." Or whatever it is you feel compelled to say.

Which perfume for a fun & fruity lady?

Are you thinking of purchasing some perfume for the leading lady in your life? Well think no further and go for it, because this guide will make it easy for you to choose the perfect scent to match her style. Simply choose the category that most closely reflects her personality and shop within those fragrance notes, for the stunning scent that will send her swooning.

Floral & Feminine
Does the woman on your list lean toward an über-feminine approach to life? Does she like to wear pearls with her pink cashmere twin-set and has a hefty dose of ruffles, lace, and bows in her clothing? If so, then she’s a perfect candidate for a floral scent. These perfumes are romantic, frilly and have fragrant notes that (surprise) come from flowers. This is the scent if your girl is traditional and girly, like Charlotte from Sex and the City.

Fun & Fruity
Is the girl on your list a dreamer who loves living life to its fullest? Can you often find her in bright colors, playful patterns, and bold prints? This type of girl is a fit for a perfume inspired by citrus. These scents are exciting, warm and are inspired by fruits from all over the world. Select this style of perfume if she’s a fun-filled free spirit, like Carrie from Sex and the City.

He's sexy, but is he good for you? [part2]

Just because he's sexy, smart, charismatic and successful that doesn't mean you should date or marry him! Here's why what you've been looking for might not be the best thing to look for anymore.

(continued)

If you want to "live happily ever after in love" you must prioritize finding a man who:

1. Values growing as a person

2. Truly understands a relationship serves the double function of "den of pleasure" and "laboratory for growth"

After all, if your partner doesn't value growth, he won't be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high integrity way. As a result, when those aforementioned disagreements, disappointments, stresses, crises, temptations, sadnesses, monetary-challenges, illnesses, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings arise, your relationship will suffer. Or worse, your partner will run for the hills — end of story, end of relationship.

You know what's funny? How we all know that embracing strong character values really does matter in life and love. Yet, our world mostly offers relationship tips like: "Buy these sexy clothes!" "Be more successful!" "Tighten your buns!" Nobody ever comes out and says: "Yo! Value good strong character values in yourself and others!"

I suppose that's because it takes more time, effort and patience to work on strengthening one's character values — and to truly understand another person's inner character — than it does to quickly buy a superficial new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner. Hence why you must prioritize getting to know a guy's inner character up-front — before you drop your guards — or even your panties. Yes, if you want to live happily ever after with a man, it's essential you prioritize strong character values over strong biceps.

Remember, it's called "finding a soul mate" not "finding an ego mate"! And if you're going to connect soul to soul, you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice — thereby making you feel sad or happy.

Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character. They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.

Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character. Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess.

Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight — because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehim self.

All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehim self (his character, his soul)?

If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy. Your love life should not be your suffering life. The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life.

I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: "Yum, yum! I want him!" Now I know better. Now I look at loving, happy couples — watch the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl — and think: "Yum, yum! I want that!"

True love is a that — not a him. True love is not a wish list but a "wish feeling." And the number one feeling — even before the feeling of love — is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner's character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic — someone who values growing — so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him — and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.

He's sexy, but is he good for you?

Are you prioritizing finding a partner who is sexy, smart, charismatic, successful-in-their-field right now? If so, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Mussolini fit your bill — but trust me, that doesn't mean you should date or marry them.

In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I share an article from The New York Times about the psychology of evil which included "The Psychopath Checklist." Criminal psychiatrists use this helpful list to test the potential of someone being a hardcore psychopath, capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes. Guess which traits psychopaths share? Glibness, extreme charisma, the need to always be doing something, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and emotional unavailability.

To my amusement, all these adjectives also described my now ex-Prince Harming boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, confident guy. But in the end, he turned out to be a two-faced cheater.

What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character. Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict. If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings — then your relationship will always suffer!

Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link — how a couple handles their challenges.

The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue" — you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth."

Basically, you must accept right here — right now — if you are going to be in happily ever after love, then your relationship must have a duo function.

1. "Den of pleasure" — for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need — so you can keep your soul alive with passion!

2. "Laboratory for growth" — the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another's "character development" — so you can both grow into your most esteemed selves - which is what Aristotle put forth was what true happiness was all about!

Unfortunately, many people solely view a relationship as a place to experience pleasure — leaving out the soul-ly aspects of love — where you nurture each other to grow!

In fact, when I ask the women I coach to describe what they're looking for in a partner, they always start off listing sexiness, funniness, smartness and wealthiness! But these are all personality traits — and pleasures of the body and ego — not character values which nurture the soul/core self.

Continued..

Weird ways guys say 'I love you' [5]

HIS TAKE:
"I always want to be able to provide for my wife, and actions are a lot easier than words for me. When I try to put my love into words, it often comes off as cheesy and awkward, whereas when I do things for her, it feels better to me." — Rob Myers, 36, Marion, MS REDBOOK's 2009 America's Hottest Husband winner (check him out at redbookmag.com/hothusbands)

And Yes, Sex Does Equal Love

A friend of mine, a 41-year-old restaurant owner in Rehoboth Beach, DE, is the father of two and the husband of a nurse. "I honestly believe she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and I frequently let her know that," he says. "The problem is, sometimes she gets home after a 14-hour hospital shift and an hour commute in each direction — you know, just your typical 16-hour day of death, drama, and trauma. So when she walks in the door and I greet her with a, 'Honey, you're beautiful,' it's often met with a growl. The problem, if you asked her, is that no guy ever says or does anything nice for any woman unless they're trying to get laid — and she's probably right about that. But I still don't see why that renders the compliment moot."

Actually, a compliment can simply be a compliment; we're not always just trying to get you into bed. And even if we are just trying to get you into bed, in case you hadn't noticed, we guys ... well, we sure do like our sex. One survey found that 70 percent of men think about sex every day (versus 34 percent of women), while 83 percent of men say they enjoy sex "a great deal" (compared with 59 percent of women). So the idea that we might want to share our favorite pastime with you is very much a good thing.

As Pat, a 36-year-old artist in Philadelphia, says, "Yeah, I've fielded the suggestion from my wife that, 'It might be nice to just cuddle for a long time.' And while my mouth said, 'Sure,' my head, my heart, and my other parts never receive that particular memo. No guy ever gets enough sex; until they install another 24 hours in each day and fill it entirely with sex, it just isn't possible.'"

Look, we men are perfectly willing to accept that women are content to express affection by cooing, hugging, and all that gooey stuff. But the fact that we ourselves want none of these things does not mean that we don't love you.

The honest truth is that by having sex with you, we are expressing our love. You can blame countless millennia of evolution, which have encoded us as such: I like her; I will have sex with her. (Reproduce, rinse, repeat.) That impulse is the driving force of life, so mock it all you want, but it's not going anywhere.

Besides, as we guys are deep in the throes of passion — all sweaty and grunty and making our silly man-sex faces — we do really love you. (Or at least it sure feels like love. Or maybe we just love how you're making us feel.) Whatever, somewhere between all that and the mumbly mutterings before we drop off to sleep, we do feel an undeniable closeness, an intimacy the likes of which men never otherwise experience.

Weird ways guys say 'I love you' [4]

What, This Isn't a Date?

So now you know why your man gives such bad gifts. But why does he plan such horrible dates? Or, more to the point, why do his dates always involve Domino's pizza and Kickboxer 3 on pay-per-view?

"Look, I've interviewed hundreds of men for my books," Schwartz says, "and they're all extremely clear on this point: Guys just want to connect with their woman doing something that they love. It's basically an organic process for them. It's like, What would I enjoy? Oh, Thai food sounds great! And what about a movie and some beer? Wow, perfect evening! And who can I share this perfect evening with? My lady, of course! Your guy knows what he likes, and if he can experience those things with the woman he loves, he's happy." So you see, we're lazy ... because we love you!

Take the tale of Brian and Sarah, and the spring, seven years ago, when she moved in. "I've always been a bit of a homebody," Brian says. "So I was skittish about letting her know that, for me, a good time often meant staying in and watching sports. I loved her enough, though, to want to share my great passion with her. Besides, one of the things I like about sports on TV is that it lets you carry on a conversation — you could even call it couples therapy." Today, they're happily married with a 2-year-old son, and Sarah loves baseball — and the Yankees — every bit as much as Brian does. Which is either a testament to the power of manly love or a classic example of Stockholm syndrome.

And while we're on the subject of dates, let me put this plainly: Your man might moan, might whine, might flee to the restroom 14 times — but the mere fact that he agrees to go with you to any type of chick flick should always be seen as the gargantuan male sacrifice that it is.

"Believe me," says Rob, "any man who's willing to do this is merely doing it to show his woman how much he loves her. And if he is willing to do this for you, rest assured, he must really, really love you."

HIS TAKE:
"I grew up with three sisters, so I enjoy doing things with my wife that other husbands might not — like talking about how we want to furnish our house. But as for movie night, I'd much rather see Transformers or Star Trek than some romantic comedy." —George Lee, 37 Dallas

We Fix Because We Love

Warren Farrell has started or led, by his count, more than 390 workshops with lovelorn guys, making him a veritable Wikipedia of the various ways guys try to put the man in romance: "Taking out the garbage. Fixing your computer. Working on the taxes. Driving on the vacation. Setting up the campsite. Carrying things from the car. Researching the best new portable barbecue thingy. These," Farrell points out, "are how a man says, 'I love you.' Actions, for men, speak far louder than any words."

Indeed, men learn early on that the shortest way to a woman's heart is always through doing. Whether it was the fact that you let Jimmy Pierson get to first base just because his fort on the playground was bigger, or how often you fell for the guy who gave you a lift to class or helped you lug your 100-pound suitcase into your third-floor walkup dorm room, males know that action is your aphrodisiac.

"The way a man learns to get a woman's love is by doing, not by thinking," Farrell explains. "So when women make long to-do lists and her guy crosses items off them, what he's really doing is saying he loves you." Now, that's not to say he never misses the mark — like when he helpfully (he thinks) picks up some industrial-looking track lighting for your living room at Lowe's, not realizing that you had your eyes on a set of 1920s brass wall sconces from the local antiques shop.

This action-oriented impulse also leads to the all-time most exasperating expression of male affection: Let's call it the quicker fixer-upper. You know how every time you start telling your man about your problems, he keeps jumping in with advice ... solutions ... surefire fixes? And you know how it makes you feel like the solution to your problem might actually come from shoving his helpful little head through a plate-glass window? Well, take a deep, cleansing breath and consider taking it easy on him.

"Women express affection by listening, but men express affection by giving advice," Farrell notes. "And women need to know that when a man loves her and she's hurting, not helping her directly is, for him, like letting someone he loves bleed to death and just sitting there watching. Giving advice is his way of getting her to the hospital, getting bandages on her, and stopping the bleeding. It's his way of saying, 'I'm going to do absolutely everything I can to save you.'"

Dramatic? Perhaps, but not to Don, a 55-year-old CFO in Portland, OR. "When a man asks a question like, for instance, 'What was the problem at work?' there is a legitimate desire for an outcome that will lead to some sort of action," he says. "But — and this has taken me a lifetime to figure out — when women begin ruminating about something, such as, 'My boss is really mean to me' or, 'I just don't have anything to wear,' there is, apparently, a fine line between actually wanting our input and simply wanting us to look interested. This runs counter to my every male instinct; right or wrong, I feel that I must find a solution."

In other words, when we say to you, "Hey, I'm just trying to help," we really are just trying to help.

Weird ways guys say 'I love you' [3]

It's the Thought That Counts ... Right?

Which leads to the next great romantic failing of man: Guys give lousy gifts. You know it. We know it. That checkout guy at The Home Depot knows it. Given this, perhaps it's worth viewing any gift we bestow as a symbol of great love — not in spite of the fact that the gift will be terrible, but because we know the gift will be terrible.

"For most women I know, the ability to conjure innovative gifts seems innate. When my wife gives me things, I am almost always astounded at her creativity," says Brian, a 35-year-old copy editor in Brooklyn, NY. "By contrast, my presents tend to be of the 'Here's a cheap box of DVDs that won't even work in your home player' variety — poorly conceived, politely received, and then discarded and seldom thought of again. I try; I honestly try. But every piece of tacky jewelry and so-wrong-it-hurts item of clothing I've ever given her only confirms that gift-giving is just one of those things I am terrible at. On the upside: To avoid embarrassment, I have perfected the art of the special-occasion dinner out. It's an easy one to nail on the head."

The problem is, we really don't understand what you want. Most guys want practical gifts — a router, a power saw, a 10-pack of replacement spools for his Weed Eater. For the life of us, we can't understand why you would need another pair of earrings when you already have several hundred that can do the trick. (An Ipsos Insight survey of 1,000 Americans ages 18 and older found that jewelry was the second most requested gift by women but only fifth in terms of what men planned to give.)

"The big issue is that women are always looking for the greater significance in men's actions," says Schwartz. "And when he does get something that we're proud of, we can impress our girlfriends: He bought me jewelry, or he took me out to a romantic dinner. They're tokens of affection, and the more things we can hold up as symbols of his devotion, the better we feel: Oh, he bought me this, which shows how much he loves me. Deep down we might appreciate a less-than-perfect gift, but still, we're thinking, How am I going to explain this bowling ball to my girlfriends when they ask what he gave me for my birthday?"

Which brings us to the lingerie.

Perhaps the most controversial of all man gestures, the giving of lingerie is an enigma wrapped inside — well, not a lot of fabric. The Ipsos survey mentioned above found that 22 percent of men give lingerie for Valentine's Day, yet only 2 percent of women want to receive it. Lord knows, all you're thinking when you open the box and dangle these doilies by the spaghetti straps is, Does he seriously expect me to spend the 20 hours on the StairMaster it will take for me to even consider wearing this?

Understand, though, that when men buy you lingerie, it's not at all meant as some kind of triple-dog-dare. It's our way of saying, "I think you're every bit as sexy as the mannequin I saw in the store window on the way home." (And c'mon, have you seen the mannequins they have these days? That's about as high as a compliment gets.) This, at least, is how Benson, a 34-year-old computer engineer from Seattle, sees it.

Benson and his wife, Lisa, a yoga instructor, have been married for eight years. During that time, Benson says, Lisa's supply of white cotton underwear — what he refers to as her "Eastern Bloc underwear" — had reached Stalinist proportions. "Lisa's a beautiful woman," he says, "but somewhere between clothed and naked, I would find myself facing a brunette potato farmer. So I started buying her lingerie in earnest so she would have underwear on par with her own beauty."

Today, Lisa owns roughly one set of lingerie for every day of the month. And while she might have been somewhat apprehensive at first about this spate of skivvies — fearing that every garment required a Jenna Jameson-like act of appreciation — she now sees the overflow of underthings for what it is: a Shakespearean sonnet writ in silk.

HIS TAKE:
"For her birthday right before we got engaged, I told my now-wife, Kathryn, that my gift for her was expensive and indestructible. It was a KitchenAid mixer. I don't remember if I wanted her to think it was a diamond ring, but the fact that she saw the humor in the situation is surely a sign of love." — John Heetderks, 32, Germantown, MD

"I've never bought my sweetie lingerie because I think she likes picking out things that she believes I'll enjoy — and rightly so! That said, I just love being with her — wearing lingerie or not." — Peter Bonilla, 47, New York City